Babies in Movie Theaters...DON'T DO IT!

Today is a rant day. 

To say that I was STOKED to see the Avengers this weekend is an understatement.  I haven't only been waiting for this moment since Nick Fury showed up during the credits of Iron Man...I have been waiting for this moment since I first read the Infinity Gauntlet when I was in JR. HIGH SCHOOL!  And, if you didn't know...I'm damn old, man!  As I am reminded with every new coworker who doesn't realize who Eddie Vedder is.

But, I digress. 

As is the case with any Marvel or Star Wars movie, I had my tickets to go opening day!!!

Given that Kim really isn't into anything with lasers, I have no guilt in attending these movies by myself.  In fact, I kind of enjoy the time.  So, I will sneak out after the boys go to sleep, have myself a beer and watch myself a movie.

This particular show started at 9:20 PM.  As in, at night.  When it's dark.  When children are supposed to be asleep.

So, I was particularly surprised when some people walked in with a baby.

No, no...surely this isn't an ACTUAL baby.  Must be a doll.  Or, maybe just a very small adult who likes to be carried around. 

Nope...it's a baby. 

What in the ever loving hell, people??????  Why do you bring your damn baby to the movies?  I can't think of anything more selfish.  I mean, other than that time Rose hogged the board while Jack died.  But, whatever.

Here's the most annoying part.  There were 3 adults in this party.  I assume mom and dad along with a third person.  So, none of these three people took it upon themselves to say, "Hey...maybe I'll go see this tomorrow.  You guys go enjoy it yourselves WITHOUT BRINGING THE BABY!"

But, nope...nobody said that.  They decided to make it a big ol' family event.

Of course, 3 minutes into the movie, the baby started crying.  And, why wouldn't he?  It's a freakin' super hero movie.  It's loud and there are big scary bad guys on the screen.  This is when the parents decided to take the baby out of the theater.

JUST KIDDING!  They didn't do that.  They, instead, continually tried shoving a bottle in the babies mouth.  "shhhhh, shhhhhhh, shhhhh" they would say.

"You are the worst parents," the baby would reply.

A little over an hour into the movie, the baby finally fell asleep.  So...about 11:00, approximately (previews, in case you're checking my math).  One hour into the movie.  During that whole hour, the baby wanted nothing more than to be in bed and I wanted nothing more than to spill my cherry coke on someone's head. 

If I were better at being passive aggressive, I would have said, "Oh, your baby is so cute!  I have one about the same age.  I left him at home!"  But, I didn't.

Seriously, people!  Babies don't belong in movie theatres.  If you can't wait to see the movie, find a sitter.  Or...take turns going.  If you want quality time with your baby in front of the big screen, go to one of those mommy and me screenings that many places have, now.  If you're a single parent...sorry, pal.  This is one of those sacrifices, along with sleep and pooping in private. 

I think the theaters should start charging for the baby.  Seriously...maybe that would discourage some of these idiots. 

Babies in First Class...take your ghetto baby back into steerage!!!

Ok...I promised 3 posts on our NYC trip.  #2 is going to be about babies in first class because I like to complain.

So...for Kim's birthday, our friend Tom gave us a couple guest upgrade passes for our return trip home from NYC.  Tom flies a bazillion miles each year.  Because of his status, he gets a certain amount of guest upgrades.

(Aside: my time at Climate saw me make it to Alaska MVP status...it's pretty darn rad, IMHO).

Kim and I were very much looking forward to our 6+ hour flight home to Seattle seated in First Class.

That is, until we saw the family of 4 take their three seats in first class.  Mom, a toddler and an infant in the same row from us, across the aisle.  Dad in the window seat behind them.

Now...you may have noticed.  I have a kid.  And, very soon, I will have another kid.  An infant, in fact.  Kim and I are discussing potentially flying this new kid at some point during the first year of his life.

Let me assure you...under no circumstances will we fly with Owen in 1st Class.

Why not?  I mean, either you pay for the upgrade or your dedication to the airline rewards you with the better seat.  Why not take advantage of the extra legroom, larger seat and attentive service?

Well, let me tell you.  Because everyone else in 1st Class has paid for the same thing.  And, one of the other perks of 1st Class is limited craziness.

I understand flying with infants is a pain in the ass.  I've done it.  And, generally, I sympathize with parents who do this.  I try to help them when I can with luggage or, if I am sitting next to them, juggling all the baby stuff.  And, I put all of my patience to good use because I know that no matter how annoying a crying baby may be to me...it is 100x harder, more awkward and often more embarrassing for the parent.  They have my sympathy.

When they sit in coach.

Flying with your kid is sorta like a right of passage for parents.  You have kids, you deal with the consequences of that.  You don't get to stay out late, anymore.  You don't get to take that extravagant vacation.  You don't get to go to the movies.  And you don't get to fly in 1st class.

Perhaps you are wondering if our 1st class companion was well behaved.  The answer is a big fat NO.  Not only that, but mom and dad we're rather on the annoying side as well.  The toddler would literally crawl over her seat to get to her dad.  The infant (who was dripping snot everywhere) was crawling up and down the aisle to the point that the flight attendant had to tell mom that she needed to keep the baby in the seat.  Crying, complaining, moving about.  You know...all the things that babies do that folks paying a premium for seats don't want to put up with.

Dad was almost no help.  He was sharing a row with a stranger who I have a ton of pity for.  At one point, Kim told me that mom and dad had switched seats, but both kids were still with mom.  So...three people sharing a seat next to a stranger in 1st class.

Not to mention that mom was making a ton of demands on the food.  "Is this gluten free?  Can I get another roll for the baby?  I know it comes with bacon, but please take it off before you bring it out."

This isn't Red Robin, lady.

You may be wondering at what point it IS okay to travel in 1st class with a kid.  So, for you, I now present:

Jason's Things to Consider Before Flying in 1st Class with Your Kid

1. If you say "Stop that" and your kid doesn't stop, you should not fly 1st class.
2. If your kid is a crier or a screamer, you should not fly first class. 
3. Kids occasionally need to move around to stretch their bodies.  If your kid does this on all fours, becoming an easily kickable obstacle in the aisle, you should not fly 1st class.  
4. If your kid is an asshole, you should not fly 1st class. 
5. If YOU are overwhelmed by traveling with your kid, you should not fly 1st class. 
6. If you have any intention of changing your kid's diaper at the seat instead of in the bathroom, you should not fly.  Period.  Practice changing in a small space.  Nobody wants to be next to your kid's exposed excrement. 

Basically, if your kid is old enough to walk, listens to you and is able to be at least somewhat self sufficient (here's your water, you hold it and pick it up if it rolls under the aisle), then you're good.  This can mean 3 years old.  It can mean 5 years old.  Heck, if your kid is a douche, it might mean 13 years old.  

Again, if you're in coach, you have my sympathy.  Kids need to fly.  I get that.  You can't go visit Grandma for Christmas without bringing Jr.  I get it.  But, that's what coach is for.  

When we fork out money or reward points for the fancy seat, that comes with an expectation that I don't have to put up with annoying babies or their annoying parents.  If you are one of those parents, you are totes rude!!!!  

Now that I am a dad, I promise not to...

Take my toddler swimming in 29 degree weather.

Every year, a group of people get together for the "Polar Bear Plunge" a dip into Lake Washingotn to celebrate the New Year.

I was flipping through the pictures on SeattlePI.com, mostly because there were some babes in bikinis, and I came across this pic.

According to the PI, the water was 46 degrees and the air outside was 29. 

You can see the picture and the comments people left about it here.

Let's assume that this mom isn't a total knucklehead and didn't take her kid swimming.  Maybe she just brought her out into the water to celebrate Mom's recent swim.  Still...it's 29 degrees outside and this kid is in a bathing suit. 

Really really lame. 

PS: Christmas pics coming soon.

When I'm a dad, I promise not to...

Take my kid to Bourbon Street in New Orleans.

Okay, okay...I know I am a dad, now. But, the label was already created.

So, how about this: Now that I am a dad, I promise not to take my kid to Bourbon Street in New Orleans.

I am currently in New Orleans for work. I arrived on Saturday night, had a good time as a tourist on Sunday, and started work on Monday. I hit up Bourbon Street on Sunday, but not very hard. Really, I just wanted to see it. Tonight, we took it in more. I went with 3 coworkers.

If you've never been to New Orleans, let me tell you a little bit about Bourbon Street. (Warning...if you are my grandfather, you may want to stop reading here).

Bourbon Street has three kinds of stores. Tourist shops selling crap, bars, and strip clubs. That's it. At night, the street is not accessable for vehicles. People walk up and down the street and you are allowed to carry alchohol around with you outside. In fact, people are selling alchohol outside. It's really no holds barred. There is even a club, I'm not positive as I didn't go in, but given the pictures outside I am pretty sure, that you go in to watch people have sex. I don't know about other guys...but I am not THAT lonely.

Anyway...this post isn't about the debotchery of New Orleans. I am an adult. I can handle it. What baffles me is the amount of children I saw, tonight.

It's almost 12:30 AM. I just got back to my room. We were walking Bourbon Street between 10 and midnight. These kids were about 9 and 13, maybe. So...#1, here we have kids out at midnight. #2, here we have kids walking by a club that has visible pictures of people having sex outside. And...booze EVERYWHERE.

What kind of parents do that? I asked Michelle, the coworker I was out with who also has kids, if she would bring her kids here. She said, "Um...I'm a good mother."

Seriously...I'm baffled. Who does that. Those parents get a Fail, in my book.

When I'm a dad, I promise not to...

Have a bunch of babies with my mistress.

From BabyCenter:

Harry Potter star fathers second child with mistress

Posted by Sara McGinnis in Marriage, Relationships, Pregnancy October 27th, 2008 Trackback

Sir Michael Gambon is a busy man. The 68-year-old, known to many of us as Dumbledore from the Harry Potter series is about to have his second baby…with his mistress.

Sir Michael has been married to Lady Anne, a retired mathematician, for 45 years. They have a 44-year-old son together, and share a home near London.

The mistress is 43-year-old Philippa Hart, who shares a 17-month-old son with the actor. Philippa reportedly wanted to have a sibling for their son, and so chose to get pregnant again by Sir Michael.

A friend of Sir Michael’s said, “Michael and Philippa are delighted that she’s pregnant again, but he is very worried about what his wife thinks of all this.

“He says it will cause him a lot of hassle if it comes out, but his private arrangements are so complicated he can’t really expect a completely smooth ride.

“He continues to see his wife and mistress, but is very secretive about both relationships. He may be getting on, but Michael is still a wizard with the ladies.”

Lady Anne is reportedly taking the news “in stride.”

________

I mean...what? Seriously? Lady Anne is taking the news "in stride?" Is the guy so great in bed that all this is simply taken "in stride." What? Flabbergastment abounds.

When I'm a dad, I promise not to...

Again...leave my kid at the airport.

I mean, come on...seriously?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26006350/

JERUSALEM - An Israeli couple going on a European vacation remembered to take their duty-free purchases and their 18 suitcases, but forgot their 3-year-old daughter at the airport, police said Monday.

The couple and their five children were late for a charter flight to Paris Sunday and made a mad dash to the gate. In the confusion, their daughter got lost.

Police spokesman Micky Rosenfeld said a policeman found her wandering in the duty-free area at Ben-Gurion airport, Israel's bustling main international air portal. He said the officer alerted airline staff, but the flight had already taken off.

The incident happened on what Israeli media said was one of the busiest days of the year at the Israeli airport, with thousands of people leaving for summer vacations abroad. The Haaretz newspaper reported that 2.6 million passengers are expected to pass through the airport in July and August, an increase of 12 percent compared to the same period last year.

Israeli media said the parents of the forgotten girl were an ultra-Orthodox Jewish couple but did not give their names.

Rosenfeld said the parents were unaware they had boarded the aircraft with only four children instead of five until they were informed by cabin staff after 40 minutes in the air.

The child, accompanied by an airline staffer, took the next flight to Paris, where she was safely reunited with her parents.

Running the story on its front page Monday, the Yediot Ahronot daily quoted an unnamed police officer as saying, "A very cute little girl grabbed my leg and asked 'where are my parents, where are my brothers?'"

A female police officer identified only by her last name, Ben-Eden, checked records for the girl's family. "I saw her parents and brothers were on a plane that was set to take off in three minutes," she told the paper.

Ben Eden picked up the girl and rushed to the gate for the flight to Paris. "I ran quickly because I knew that every minute mattered. At the same time, the police tried to contact the flight attendants to get them to stop the plane. When I reached the gate, the plane was no longer there."

Rosenfeld said police would question the couple when they return from vacation, on suspicion of parental negligence.

Haaretz quoted the girl's grandmother, who took the family to the airport, as saying, "We're in shock. They're very responsible and organized, top-notch people. Apparently one relied on the other, and this is what happened."

The paper recounted that several days ago, an 8-year-old boy traveling alone boarded a flight to Brussels instead of Munich, and two weeks before that, a 10-year-old boy was left behind when the rest of his group flew to Copenhagen.

Israeli media often play up stories about mistreated children. Recent prominent reports have concerned toddlers left in locked cars or buses on hot days or abused by caretakers. On Monday, Channel 2 TV devoted a segment of its early evening newscast to an infant who was severely burned when a pot of boiling soup fell on him at his home.

When I'm a Dad, I promise not to...

...show off 10 versions of the same picture of my kid.

You ever meet one of those new parents who just LOVE to show off pictures of their newborn. This is all fine and good. Who doesn't like to see pictures of their buddy's new tax deduction?

Here's the rub. Some people will take a million pictures of their kid in a one minute span. Oh, look...here he's making a face. Oooh, here he's making the same face, only he's looking to the left. Ooh, here he's making a different face, even though it looks almost identical to the last two, it's really not.

I won't be this dad. It's okay to take a bunch of different pictures of the same event. I mean, you want to get the best one, right? What you should do, however, is figure out which one is the best one and get rid of the others. Or, at least refrain from showing off the others. People don't need to see the same face over and over again.

Oh...and, we started on the nursery, today. It's been emptied for a while. My cousin, Kelley, came over to help us paint. Here's a couple pictures.

When I'm a dad, I promise not to...

Try to sell my child on Craigslist.

http://www.nationalpost.com/news/canada/story.html?id=544227


Vancouver couple arrested for putting baby up for online sale
Just a hoax, says couple
Neal Hall, Canwest News Service Published: Tuesday, May 27, 2008

VANCOUVER -- A Vancouver couple have been arrested but will not be charged after posting an Internet ad on Craigslist, offering their seven-day-old baby for $10,000, police said Tuesday.
Vancouver police Const. Tim Fanning said he had never heard of such a thing in his 27 years as a police officer.

Ten police officers worked on the case, he said, tracking the Craigslist posting to a west-end apartment.

"Police knocked at the door and asked if there was a baby in the apartment," Const. Fanning told reporters at a news conference.

He said the 23-year-old mother was found nursing a seven-day-old baby.

Among the four adults in the apartment was the baby's father, also in his 20s.

The couple were initially arrested for questioning about the ad.

"They said it was just a hoax," Const. Fanning explained.

The father, who placed the ad using a computer found in the apartment, was taken to jail.

Police sent a report to Crown recommending a charge of public mischief, but the Crown didn't feel there was enough evidence to support the charge, he added.

The baby was taken from the couple by a social worker and placed in care, Const. Fanning said.

Last week, authorities in Germany said they were investigating a couple after they offered their eight-month-old son for sale on the Internet auction website EBay.

A number of people had contacted police when they say the posting online offering a baby for a sale because it cried too much. The opening bid was 1 euro ($1.57).

There were no bidders in the auction in the two hours it was posted online. The 23-year-old

German woman told police that it was a joke.

Craigslist is an online classified advertising service.

Vancouver Sun, with files from Reuters

When I'm a dad, I promise not to...

See below.

When I'm a dad, I promise not to...

...Let my kid see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Terrible Terrible movie. They took one of my favorite characters of all time and went all Anakin Skywalker on him.

I know this isn't necessarily baby related, but I hated the movie so much, I just had to put it here.

When I'm a dad, I promise not to...

Leave my kid at the airport after I board the plane.

I would like to point out that this child should be referred to as "1 year, 11 months." "Almost 2" is also acceptable.


http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/travel/2004413104_webairportlost14.html

Forgotten toddler found wandering Vancouver airport after family boards flight
By The Associated Press

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — A family left a 23-month-old boy in the Vancouver airport and learned he was missing only when contacted during the next leg of the trip.
Jun Parreno, the boy's father, told The Vancouver Sun the mix-up occurred Monday as he, his wife and two grandparents of the child, J.M., were scrambling between their arrival in Canada and a connecting flight to Winnipeg on Air Canada.

Running late after having to unpack and repack all their luggage, "we had 10 minutes before boarding," said Parreno, who was emigrating with his family from the Philippines. "We were running for the gate."

He said he thought his son was with the three other adults, who were running to the gate ahead of him, and they thought the little boy was with him.

Instead, in a scenario similar to the movie "Home Alone," the toddler was wandering alone between a security checkpoint and the flight gates, said Angela Mah, an Air Canada representative.

"We were called by (security) who told us one of the security people had a toddler in tow," Mah said. "He doesn't speak English, so we found a Tagalog-speaking agent who has been looking after him."

There was no boarding pass for the youngster because he did not have a separately assigned seat, so there was no indication in the airline's computer system that someone had missed a flight, nor had there been any panicked calls from anyone on a flight missing a child, Mah said.
That's because the family was scattered in different parts of the plane to Winnipeg and still didn't know the child had been left.

Air Canada staff began checking flights that had left, and "we eventually determined who his parents might be ... and the flight crew talked to them," Mah said. "They didn't realize until then that the baby had been left behind.

"We're not aware of this ever happening on an Air Canada flight before."

The parents were put into telephone contact with the little boy, and Parreno was put on another Air Canada plane to return to Vancouver to get him after the family's flight arrived in Winnipeg with the airline covering the cost of the two additional flights, she said.

Parreno had tears in his eyes when he returned to Winnipeg holding his son.

"I am relieved everything is OK ... but I was shocked," he said. "The staff at Air Canada took good care of him."

Copyright © 2008 The Seattle Times Company

When I'm a dad, I promise not to...

Refer to my child's age in months once they become 1 year old.

Have you ever asked someone, "How old is your baby?" and gotten a response like, "18 months!"

It is my firm belief that once Jr. hits one year of age, age should be addressed in Years then months. So...18 months should be "A year and a half!"

Why do I think this way? Well...I work in HR. Probably the main reason why I am a recruiter and not an engineer is because I am terrible at math. And...there's no way I would have been able to complete my engineering assignments as they involved a lot of homework and I was too busy getting drunk in college.

So...when I hear 18 months, I get confused. I quickly look around to see if there is a calculator nearby. I start to sweat and panic begins to set in. Finally...the parent takes pity on my and translates their answer.

I think this is really only done until the kid hits 2. I have yet to year someone answer, "30 months," or in my case, "366 months." Although...I have heard 24 months once before. No kidding. That one was a little easier for me to do the math on, though. (12 months in a year...carry the one...add a zero...square root...take away a zero) "Oh...2 years?"

In conclusion...I pledge to make it easy on mathematically challenged people. Once Starbuck hits a year old, any age reference starts with "1 Year."