Facing an interesting hurdle this week

So, there has been a lot of talk about mental health, lately. Which is GREAT! There is so much stigma around mental illness. And, I won't lie. I do think there are folks that use it as an excuse. I remember a dude that I used to work with always saying that he was "So ADD!"  I was like, Bro...I actually have ADD. It's not just something you throw out there because you didn't get your job done. 

Anyway,  I figured I would take this opportunity to talk about one of my own struggles.  It's timely because of something I am doing this week. 

So, when I worked at Microsoft, every year I would participate in the Gonzaga Trek.  Gonzaga brings a group of business students through town every year and they stop at a few of the big companies for tours and information. Most of the years of my tenure at Microsoft, I would lead the Recruiting component of the Microsoft presentation: here's what we hire for, here's how you apply, here's how your resume should look, etc. 

Well, in 2013, I had just wrapped up a shit year. Worst of my life. My divorce was just finalized and I was entering a period of severe uncertainly.  My mental state was not at it's peak, that is for sure. 

Anyway, Trek comes around. It comes to my part in the presentation. I am standing at the head of a room full of college seniors, all in suits or business attire.  I begin my presentation.  

About 5 minutes in, I have a panic attack.  

It wasn't the last panic attack I would have.  But, it was the first.  And, I had no idea what was happening.  

It started with sweating.  Like, heavy sweating...like I just spent 30 minutes on the Peloton sweating.  Then came a dizziness like I had just spun in 100 circles.  I was not standing at the podium, but I quickly made my way to it.  And, I made it just before I fell over.  I didn't fall over.  I caught myself on the podium.  And, I stopped talking.  Because I couldn't breath. Mike Tyson has just punched me right in the stomach. I was going to die.  Right here in front of a bunch of Business majors.    

My colleagues had left the room (they didn't need to be there at this part). But, the students were all still starting at me.  One in front asked if I was ok.  Yes, I lied. Just got a little dizzy. I don't remember how long this went on.  Felt like 10 minutes.  I am positive it wasn't that long. But, I clung to that podium in silence for an awkward amount of time.  

I didn't finish my presentation.  I told them I needed to get to another meeting.  And I left the room. To my colleague outside, I said I just got called into a fire drill, can they jump in.  Then I migrated to the rest room where I kneeled down at the toilet for a good 30 mins.  I argued with myself that I should call 911.  If I had been home by myself, I probably would have.  But, being at work, having just walked out of a presentation to my alma mater, pride wouldn't let me. 

Finally, after my stint in the bathroom, I went back to my office. I had an office, back then. All to myself! I retreated to my office, closed the door and laid down on the floor. I stayed there for the rest of the day until I caught the final Microsoft bus back home. 

At the time, I had no clue what that was.  I seriously thought I had caught some weird 24 hour bug that only lasted 5 minutes or so.  It wasn't until I discussed it with my doc that he told me I likely suffered a panic attack.  He drew blood, took my blood pressure, told me everything was fine.  Discussed meds that I declined (but would later start taking) referred me to a shrink and we called it a day. 

Anyway, that was a pretty pivotal moment in my life. It's the first time I recognized that my mental health had a direct impact on my physical health.  I've always been just a bit different since that time.  My mental health has always been a bit...I don't want to say weaker...but, I have to be much more mindful of it since those days.  I do take an anti-anxiety drug still.  But, I haven't had a panic attack since 2013.  

So, there you go.  Why is this a hurdle...well, for the first time since this story takes place, I am presenting at Gonzaga Trek!  They are visiting Alaska.  I skipped the Trek at Microsoft in 2014 (my last year at Microsoft) because I was still embarrassed about the year before. Hopefully, any of the GU staff that were there in 2013 have either moved on or forgotten. :-)  

That's it. On Thursday, we try again!  Obviously, I am at a much different place in life, now. It doesn't change that my brain is reminding about that last time. And that leads to anxiety!  The drugs help, though. And so does the knowing that this is mental. And that I will be ok.  

If you're suffering from anxiety, depression or any other mental health struggles, it's ok to ask for help. It's not shameful to keep yourself healthy. You hear folks preach about diet and exercise.  At this point in my life, I was training for the Goofy Challenge...a half marathon on Saturday followed by a full marathon on Sunday. Exercise wasn't my issue. Sometimes your brain needs some love and support.  Don't be afraid or ashamed to give it what it needs. 

And remember Help is ALWAYS available. You can call me! Anytime.  

Or, if pride hits you like it hit me, call someone else. 

The National Suicide Prevention Line is 800-273-8255.  

It will be ok! 

2019 highlights!

Life, as always, was very blessed in 2019.  Here are some highlights!!

January

Nothing really happened in January.  So, here's a picture of Owen with his Moses stick. 

February

Kimmy and I took kidless vacation.  A 10! day cruise of the Caribbean. I hope we can do it again sometime.  I love this woman!  

March

Desmond's 4th Grade Volleyball team finished the season UNDEFEATED! 

And, I got to finally see my Zags play in the NCAA tournament!  They won the first game but lost the second.  Oh, well...there's always THIS YEAR!

April

Owen befriended the neighborhood squirrels.

We visited the parental units and said goodbye to a Lake Havasu landmark.

May

I joined a Beach Volleyball team!  We got our asses kicked by 20somethings.  But, we had a great time!  And, I didn't die! 

Kimmy got to meet Laura, one of my 13 favorite cousins!!!

Lots of visitors this month as we had 3 grandparents here at once!

June

Desmond's school choir got to sing the National Anthem at a Mariners Game. 

Which meant Owen got to attend his very first pro ball game!

July

Desmond completed one of his biggest Lego sets...an award from Dad and Bonus Mom for finishing the year with Straight As

He also performed as one of the Sailors in a summer production of Mary Poppins. 

In the meantime, Owen found his own performance style. 

August

Kim and I split up to tackle 2 sets of Grandparents.  Kim and Owen went to visit G&G Romine. 

And Desmond and I went to went to Lake Havasu to visit G&G Pankow where I proceeded to take zero pictures of the Grandparents, apparently. 

AND...Desmond and I got to schmooz with Weird Al!

We wrapped up the month by taking the boys and Desmond's BFF to Great Wolf Lodge.

September

I left my job at Google and started a new role at Alaska Airlines.  But, we had to hit the Google arcade one last time. 

(Desmond is still unhappy with my decision)

The boys started the new school year!

Kim finally partook in my Seahawks season tickets!

We made a bunch of new friends while drinking and raising money for Providence Mt. Saint Vincent. 

(That guy waving...his name is Kevin!  Actually, it isn't.  But, that's what I called him all night.)

And...Desmond and I climbed the Space Needle for the 2nd time raising $1300 for Fred Hutch!

October

Check out our super cute family photos!

November

Kimmy took me to my favorite sushi place for my birthday (it's becoming a tradition)

And she ate squid. :-) 

Owen got promoted to "Big Boy Bed!"

Desmond and the 5th Graders at OLG got to host Grandma and many others at the Over 65 luncheon. 

And Desmond learned to do Improv!

December

Owen started soccer at Lil Kickers with his school buddy, Scarlett

We got this crazy dog! 

Desmond and I took a big boys trip to Disneyland. 

And Desmond FINALLY went down Splash Mountain!!!

(I told him there would be a camera so he had to make a great face.  After I saw the picture, I asked, "Was that face your fake pose or was that real terror?"  He said, "Maybe a little of both.")

And...we did Christmas in our matching jammies. 

All in all, a good year!  Sure, the Mariners are still terrible, the Game of Thrones finale was a huge letdown and Jennifer Lawrence has still not returned any of my phone calls.  But, damn...I love this little family of mine.  

Peace be with you!  Let's go nail 2020!!! 

New Year...New Optimism

I didn't post much last year.  I tried a couple times.  I see a few drafts in here.  Most importantly a reflection on the passing of a personal hero: John McCain.  Also, a bragadocious post about how I met Weird Al Yankovic!  But, I never got around to finishing them.

2018 has been interesting.  I'll be honest...it's been pretty rough.  Not 2012 rough, that's for sure.  But, still...it will not go down as one of my favorites.  Lack of sleep, stress, family issues, deaths.  All in the rear view mirror, now.

Let's look forward, now.  Here's what I am excited for in 2019!!!

1. VACATION!  Kim and I are taking a 10 day cruise in Feb.  With no children!!!  Don't get me wrong.  I love my boys.  But, being able to add "Sleep" and "Not needing to keep other humans alive" to my usual list of "No email, no phone calls and no commitments" is going to be very, very nice!
2. My boys!  I feel like I gotta back up that last bullet with this one.  My kids are amazing!  Sure, Owen doesn't let us sleep and Desmond appears to be hitting that emotional pre-pubescent stage.  But, they are REALLY REALLY REALLY great boys.  Like, really great!  Opie is growing fast, talking up a storm and still loves to dish out hugs.  Desmond is killing it in school (almost straight As) and starting to take up more hobbies that don't involve a screen.  He's just wrapping up a dance class and is about to start volleyball.  As with every year, I am excited to see how they grow. 
3. VACATION!!!  Did I mention this already?  Oh...well, I'm still excited! 
4. Politics!  Just kidding...I'm not excited about that at all. 
5. My wife! I have an amazing wife.  Probably the best wife in the world.  I can't say for sure because I haven't met all wives.  But, I have met a lot of them and I definitely scored!  2018 was tough for her, too.  Much harder than it was for me.  I am looking forward to more time together, just the 2 of us.  We've committed to locking in a babysitter so we can enjoy more adult time.  She deserves a better year.  I am hoping to help contribute to it.  
6. Prayer.  Yeah, yeah...hokey, whatever.  But, I have been trying to really rediscover prayer.  I pray frequently.  But, there has rarely been much structure to it.  If been trying to find more meditation and contemplation in my prayer.  I have been busting out my rosary more often and really enjoy the time.  I even found a Catholics at Google group that prays together over video conferencing once a week.  I can only join once in a while, but when I do, I get a lot out of it. 
7. Interstellar space travel.  Probably won't happen in 2019...but, it's coming!!!  Maybe even in my lifetime!  Might as well get excited about it, now! 
8. And, a lot more! 

It's hard to list everything out.  I have friends who have had personal triumphs that bring joy to my heart!  I have others that have suffered personal tragedy.  Cancer has reared it's ugly face again to a friend.  Another friend is expecting a baby through a surrogate after many years of struggle.  

Maybe it really is a great time to get back to my blog.  Because no matter what, triumph, tragedy, heartbreak, love, success, failure, whatever...there is so much to be optimistic about.  Life is beautiful!  

Frederick Pankow - Lifelong Educator and GREAT Grandpa

We lost a great great man, today.  My grandpa, Fred Pankow.

I have many memories of my grandpa.  I spent most summers with him and Grandma in Michigan when I was younger.  I didn't get out there nearly as much as I should have as an adult.  But, I still looked up to him more than any other man in my life outside of my dad. 

I could share many of those memories with you, now.  Of fishing on Lake Miramichi, of trips to Florida, Canada or Mackinac Island, of hatching ducklings, or of the many letters he sent me offering me a quarter for every spelling error I found.

Instead, I would like to present you with another story.  Grandpa loved to tell (and write) stories.  This one is my favorite.  Grandpa was a lifelong educator.  He started as a high school teacher and retired superintendent.  He even has a school named after him.

I regret that I wasn't able to have him meet Owen in person.  I will miss him.  I will miss his stories. 

Please enjoy.

_________________________________________________________________   

I REMEMBER My First Year as a Teacher, 1948-1949 

By Fred Pankow 

　 

Joyce and I drove many miles on Michigan highways visiting several school districts seeking interviews for my first teaching position. Interviews were also conducted at the placement office of Central Michigan University; it is the school from which I graduated. Our first child (Gary) was born during final exam time at Central and the timing of his birth got me excused from one examination. With graduation my hope was to find a physical education teaching position. I soon learned that there were none, however, there seemed to be jobs for those who would accept positions which included coaching boys athletic teams. In those days girls had no competitive teams in most school districts. To find a teaching job I had to become a coach. I soon found such a position. On my first visit to Byron it seemed it was a long way into the countryside. I mentioned to Joyce, “We are going to run out of road before we get to this town.” After a few months the rather long drives to the big towns were a pleasure through the beautiful farmland. 

　 

In 1948 teachers were hired for whatever salary they agreed to. There was no union or salary schedule. There was no extra pay for and no bargaining about extra duties which may be assigned. A typical teaching assignment was one of, or a combination of, these subject areas: social studies, English, commercial, agriculture, homemaking, mathematics, wood shop, etc. My contract was as teacher of social studies, and sports’ teams’ coach. I looked forward to my assignment at $3,000 for the school year and was very happy to have found work. 

　 

As the coach for all sports it soon became apparent that field preparation, hiring officials, and recruiting ticket takers for home games was also my responsibility. It was on the job training. 

　 

The football team was 6-man football. I was coaching the first 6-man football team I had ever seen. We lacked some things: but never lacked team spirit or support from the community. A team father, John Dyer marked off the football field for me; his son Bill played on the team. We even had a lighted field which was built by the community. I continue to hear from Wanda (Dyer), Bill’s sister, and her husband Darrell Barnhart to this day. 

　 

We had two basketball teams. Games were played in the Town Hall where the playing court was less than regulation size. The team dressed in a room which was, at one time, a small storage room in the basement of the hall. There were no showers only a few benches. 

　 

Spring brought with it preparation for the baseball season. I learned to drive a school bus; at times I transported the team to away games. For home games it was my duty to coach the team and prepare the ball diamond. The equipment and much of the labor, for preparing the diamond, came from members of the community. Our home game umpire (only one was used standing behind the pitcher) was a full-time farmer and part time umpire, Henry Bird. Mr. Bird had the full umpire uniform and was totally aware of the rules of the game. He taught me a few things. 

　 

Shortly after we first moved to town (July. 1948) the Superintendent asked me to go to the Chevrolet auto dealer, in Owosso, and obtain the driver training car for the year. When I spoke to the dealership owner he informed me, “I am not providing a driver training car this year.” He felt there had been a problem the previous year, however, he was nice enough to once again provide the automobile for our students. Perhaps he felt sorry for the new kid on the block. 

　 

As the social studies teacher my assignment included 12th grade Civics (government), American History and World History I was also assigned the teaching of a chemistry class because I had taken college chemistry classes. As the chemistry teacher I began to clean the glass fronted chemical storage cabinets. There were mysterious powders, and bottles of liquids of unknown purpose with labels long gone. 

　 

As the 12th grade Civics teacher I became senior class advisor. No big deal, right? However, I soon learned that after graduation the graduating class takes an annual school bus trip to Washington, D.C and I would be the chaperon in charge. More on the job training. Other chaperons were the bus driver/mechanic Lyle Fisher and his wife Mae and another teacher (female). Lyle and Mae had taken the trip in previous years which relieved me of much anxiety. The students had saved, in the class treasury, from kindergarten for this trip. Housing during the trip was to be school district supplied tents which were packed in the rear of the bus. I was informed, by the superintendent, that the girls should wear dresses on the trip. The father, of one class member, privately informed me that his daughter, had but one dress. In preparation for the trip I informed the girls that they must wear dresses “on the day we left town.” (From then on they wore slacks.) Thanks to great chaperons and cooperative students we had a ball and all went well. We never used the tents. We slept in motels paid for from the class funds. 

　 

The annual community potluck athletic banquet was also the responsibility of the coach. The dinner went well except one table, loaded with food, tipped when people sat on the bench type seat attached to one side of the table. The families set up again and we went about our business. The number attending exceeded our expectations, however, there is never a shortage of good food at a farmland potluck. 

　 

In the middle of this first year I was named school principal. No specifics were given; but it seemed to be for all grades. The reason for the appointment was that someone had to be in charge during the absence of the superintendent. There was no change in any other assignments or salary. I was now “Principal”, “Teacher”, “Coach”, “Senior Class Sponsor”. My office was a former cloak room 8’ x 8’ with all the coat hooks still on three walls. The room would do as I was seldom there. 

　 

As principal I assumed student attendance was one of my responsibilities. For example, there were two brothers with a single parent father. One morning one of the boys told me his brother was still in bed. Knowing the father was at work out of town I went to their apartment: threw the covers off the sleeping brother, got him dressed, and off to school we went. Try that today. On another occasion a young man was not in school. His mother told me he had told her there was no school and he went fishing. I went to the pond, stopped the fishing, and marched him to school. I love this scene because a teacher, who saw us, said, “Tom Sawyer, if I ever saw it. The boy in coveralls and the principal in a suit and tie marching single file back to school from the fishing hole.” 

　 

Near the end of that first year I learned that annually the seniors took a “Skip” day. In the absence of any outside advice I made my first administrative decision. I informed the senior class of 22 members, that they could be excused from school for their skip day (cheers), however, there was one stipulation. I would “skip” with them (no cheers) and it would be a planned day. We went on an all-day trip in four automobiles, first we went via the bridge to Canada and back via the Detroit/Windsor Tunnel. We visited Metro Airport, went to dinner, then back home. Only negative, one busted headlight. The “skip“ day was a great success. Eleventh graders asked if they could do it next year. Some of these students had never been far from home and to visit Canada was to go to a foreign country. 

　 

Somehow, I became the announcer for the annual school/community Christmas program. The parents always love the performance of their children which made the announcer look good also. At one Christmas time, while I was at the Church Christmas service someone had tied a live, old, toothless sheep in my life sized lighted manger scene. (Joyce was home ill but was sworn to secrecy). It turned out to be the Board of Education President (Robert Wiles) and Secretary (Lee McLaughlin) I got $9 for the ewe and Lee did not charge me for hauling it to Detroit to the stockyard. There is a follow up to that story. Several weeks later I kept an appointment with a medical doctor in Gaines, a neighboring village, as I entered the doctor’s office and gave my name he said, “Oh! You’re the sheep man.” 

　 

Not only did I have many opportunities to fish in the local Mill Pond, in a borrowed row boat, but I also learned a great deal those first few years: thanks to the superintendent who found plenty for me to do; the students and community adults who made my years there mostly fun, and the staff members who could not have been more helpful in this farming country surrounding the little town of Byron, Michigan. 

　 

P.S. Having lost many more games than we won I was soon replaced as coach. Eventually I was relieved of some of my other responsibilities. During my last two years in Byron I was promoted to Superintendent of Schools (final salary $6,000). With the help of an excellent “school law” attorney, and a dedicated Board of Education, we annexed two and one half primary school districts (closed one room schools). Soon thereafter the Byron Agricultural School District built a new elementary school, a gymnasium, and a new modern football field. During the years in Byron, Joyce gave birth to our daughter (Colleen) and son (Brian). Joyce was always my support and a wonderful mother and homemaker. 

It is possible I acquired more practical knowledge in Byron than I had in four years of formal college class work. The old three story (basement plus two) brick school building is gone now and the district has grown in size and added several modern school buildings. I wonder if the community is having as much fun and as few heartaches as we had during the seven years the Pankow family was in town.