Black History Month and my own personal DEI journey

I started this way back in February.  Took me a bit, but it's finally finished. Sorry it bounces around space/time a bit. 

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So...it's Black History Month!  Yay! This is the time of year when white CEOs all over the country talk about how important black people and all people of color are to their cultures. 

I thought it might be a good time to share a bit about my own DEI journey.  Because, let me tell you, I have come a LOOOOONG way.  It's still a journey, I am still growing and learning.  But, it's hard to argue that I am in a much different place than I was at one point. 

I should start by saying that even that previous paragraph makes me sound like a big hippie.  And, I recognize that.  Which, honestly, is part of my journey. The fact that I recognize how I sound and that I have become ok with it because I know where I am and where I am going. 

I will start by talking about where I grew up.  And, I know this will probably annoy my family.  But, my hometown is not really known for it's Diversity. At one point, recently, I read that the county I grew up in was 92% white.  What does this mean?  Well...it means that you don't learn much about people that are different than you.  Difference where I grew up was poor vs rich.  That's about it.  There were rich white kids and there were poor white kids.  I was one of the not rich white kids.  I wouldn't go so far as to say we were poor, because, since moving to Seattle, I have seen true poverty.  But, my parents were working 2, sometimes 3, jobs through much of my childhood.  

But, my neighborhood...white.  Down the street were some apartments where a few Hispanics lived.  We didn't talk to them.  They were just there. 

I grew up very Republican.  Even today, my politics lean right.  Back then, it was all about Ronald Reagan and the Christian Coalition! I grew up knowing only what I was exposed to.  

I remember the Rodney King beating.  When that happened, I remember exactly what I thought.  I thought, "Well, he must have done something to deserve that."  Why did I think that?  Because I was raised to trust cops.  Cops are the good guys.  If you are in trouble, find a police officer.  Rodney King clearly must have tried to punch them or maybe he was drunk or, or, or.  

I also was not fond of gays.  Being gay was a choice. I knew people who were gay. And, I liked them and all.  But, being gay wasn't what God wanted.  Being gay was a sin.  You can love the sinner but hate the sin. 

I was rabidly anti-abortion!  Oh, wait...I am still rabidly anti-abortion. 

Anyway, you get my point. 

When I went to college, my world started to shift.  But, not in the way you might think.  I went to a private Catholic school (Go Zags!) so diversity still wasn't something we were known for.  Geez...I honestly don't think I knew a single black person.  Did I?  There were a couple of them on the basketball team, but I didn't know them.  No...where I started to shift was that I actually became more Catholic.  At least, what I felt is Catholic. 

I know this probably sounds weird because the Catholic church still, you know...doesn't really like the gays. But, I wasn't listening to that part.  What I was listening to was the part about loving your neighbor.  It doesn't matter who they are, what they look like, what they sound like, how much money the have or don't have...it doesn't matter who they are attracted to or how they dress...it doesn't matter what country they came from or what religion they are.  Jesus said, in very clear terms, "Love your neighbor as you love yourself." 

And this became the foundation of my journey.  Because there are no Buts after that statement.  There are no commas.  He doesn't go back and say, "What I meant by that was..."  He only tells us to love our neighbor. 

Oh...he also throws in a bit about not judging our neighbor.  In fact, not only does he say don't judge...he says, if you do judge, you are going to get the same level of judgement upon yourself!!!  Kinda scary for those Westboro nuts, don't you think. 

This is where my evolution began.  I still have bias.  I won't lie.  I will never be so naïve to say that I am perfect and that I never judge anyone.  I do.  The difference is that today, I stop and ask myself why I feel that way.  Is it simply a knee jerk reaction I am having because my racist uncle from Detroit told me if I had been alive during the race riots I would call them n*****s, too?  Is it from when I laughed when classmates would ask the black kid in class where he went after turning off the classroom lights?  It it because, when I was a kid, we dropped the word fa**ot as an insult as often as I use dumbass, today?  

If it does stem from these or other things I was a part of as a kid, well then maybe my immediate reaction is wrong and I need to revaluate what just happened. Because, while I was never raised to look down on others, just by the nature of where I lived, I saw people as different.  My friends and family made small comments that implied others were "less than."  Or, assumed what was going on it the heads of entire populations simply because this is what made sense for them. 

Today, I tend to knee jerk in a different direction.  More often than not, I always start from a place of, this person is a human, like me.  Let's go from there.  I may still think they're a dumbass.  But, my reason for thinking that is because of their actions or words now...not because of their background.

Here's another thing I have learned that might be controversial.  Being white is ok.  It is ok for me to understand that I view things through my whiteness.  And that isn't a bad thing!  And, anyone who tries to make me feel guilty for being white can suck an egg.  I didn't choose my skin color.  All I can do is understand my place in the world and work to ensure that I think about my words and actions.  This often means that I can't understand what a person of color actually wants. 

This is a frustration I have in my liberal city.  We're always being told what the black community wants.  But, you know who is telling us what the black community wants?  White people.  White people who often come from a place of privilege themselves.  I know there is good intent, but good intent isn't necessarily the right thing to do. 

Anyway, there is a bit about my journey.  I am proud of the strides I've made, but I am also aware that I will never fully understand.  I can try to.  And, understanding does not mean that I need to agree.  I just need to understand.  

Same with any issue, really.  How can I take a stand on anything if I don't know why someone would feel differently.  I can only know how I feel about something if I know everything about that something. 

I'll stop rambling, now.  Especially since I started this 2 months ago.  Just wanted to share.   

  

First Reconciliation - My how things have changed

Next month, Desmond will celebrate his first Reconciliation at Our Lady of Guadalupe.

One of the advantages of attending Catholic school is that this is all part of the curriculum.  We don't need to send him to special CCD classes.  There are a few additional Sunday meetings, but it's a drop in the bucket compared to the years of after school sessions my mom sent me to.

A part of Desmond's journey that I have enjoyed, however, is the parental involvement.  I honestly don't remember if my parents were involved in my first sacraments (outside of baptism, obviously) in the way that the Church is making us participate.  But, I have been grateful for the experience and the refreshers.  At first, I may have groaned a bit (UGH...I already did all this 25 years ago!).  But, I have actually found it pretty enlightening.

Mostly in regards to how Confession/Reconciliation has changed.

Or...rather, how it should have been at Our Lady of the Lake when I was growing up.  Turns out a lot of these "changes" that I am enjoying were part of Vatican II.  But, apparently the memo didn't get to Lake Havasu City.

Here's how I remember Confession.

You would stand in a line outside the room with a bunch of other people, silently tracking how long the people before you were in there.  At Our Lady of the Lake, the confessional was a small room, not like the "box" that you see at many churches.  It was dimly lit.  There was a screen with a kneeler.  There was also a chair across from the priest.  There was no screen in front of the chair.

Here's the thing.  I happened to have a pretty good relationship with my priests when I was young.  Fr. Rudy and Fr. Greg.  See, I was an alter server, I taught CCD classes to Kindergartners, I was a Eucharistic minister in my high school and college years, and I think I even joined the choir for a bit.  I had a particularly good relationship with Fr. Rudy.  The point is, they knew who I was, they knew my parents, the knew my grandparents.  For some reason, I felt like I had to sit in the chair facing the priest.  Although, there was one time that I used the screen.  Fr. Greg was on the other side.  About half way through my confession he says, "Is this Jason?"

 So, when you are 8 or 10 or 13 or 16 or, frankly, even 39...sitting across from someone you admire and who you want to think highly of you and telling them about all the things you did wrong...that's not really fun.  In fact, I hated doing it every single time.

And, I was one of the good kids!  In the grand scheme of ways kids can get in trouble, I was pretty lame.  I am pretty darn confident that I didn't have any "sins" to offer any priest that they haven't heard a bazillion times before.

Still...sitting across from Fr. Rudy and telling him that I said bad words (oh boy did I say bad words) or that I lied to my parents or that *GASP* I watched one of those late night nudie shows on Showtime...that S-U-C-K-E-D!  And, candidly, I think it scarred me a bit for confession.  Because I don't go anymore.  Not on an individual basis, at least.  I go to the congregational confession when it's held.  This is when the priest holds a confessional service.  As a parish, we ask forgiveness for our sins, pray and are absolved of our sins.  No one on one where I spew out everything I'm ashamed of.

Fr. Jack, my current pastor, is the greatest priest I have ever had.  He's a wonderful man who teaches the ways of Jesus in a way that focuses on love, forgiveness, service and grace...not in the "do this or your going to hell" way that so many other pastors focus on.  I have often told Fr. Jack that he sounds like a Jesuit.  His response is "I have been accused of that many times."  I have zero desire to show him what's behind the curtain.

So, back to what I have learned from working with Desmond on Reconciliation.

First of all...it's called Reconciliation, not Confession.  The focus is on Reconciling yourself with God.  The way Ms. Hoch (Desmond's teacher) teaches it, when we sin, God does not turn his back on us...we turn our backs on God.  He's still there, waiting.  Still loving.  Always loving.  The sacrament of Reconciliation is the act of acknowledging our poor choices and turning, once again, back to God.

With this in mind, no longer do you sit in front of the priest and regurgitate all your sins.  Apparently now, it's more of a conversation.  What's keeping you from being the best person you can be?  What's on your mind and heart that has become a burden?

Kim and Shaundar have also both been part of this journey.  Neither of them are Catholic, but they've both been very active in learning about all these sacraments.  That's been great for me, as well.  For Shaundar to be supportive of something in our son's life that is important for me.  And, for Kim to learn about my faith in a way she's never been exposed to before.

I have yet to go to confession...*cough* sorry...reconciliation with Fr. Jack.  I mentioned to him that I may have to bite the bullet and give it a shot.  He says he looks forward to it (in a very sincere, "I think that's a great idea" way).  But, I'm still terrified.  Again, I'm positive I don't have anything to talk about that he hasn't heard before.  And, I suspect my confession would be much less juicy than others he has heard.  But, the discomfort remains.  Maybe it's pride?  Maybe I should confess that as well?  Who knows.

First Reconciliation happens on Feb. 4.  I have made it a personal goal to attend Reconciliation myself, 1:1 with Fr. Jack, by that time.  Let's see if I pull it off.  If I don't, I guess I will need to confess that I just lied to both of my readers.

Goodbye 2016

I think everyone mostly agrees.  2016 was pretty stupid.

It won't go down as my worst year ever.  That still belongs to 2012 and will be hard to top.  But, 2016 was up there with years I won't miss.

There were some bright spots!  Kim and I spent (another) week in Hawaii to kick it off.  I started work at one of my favorite companies on the planet.  Baby Owen popped in the oven. 

What else?  Hmmmm...can't really think of anything.  I'm sure there is something. 

Here are my lessons from the past year:

1. No matter how much you are sure something can't happen, it can definitely happen. 
2. Hatred for one individual can blind every day people to even greater faults and flaws.
3. I'm getting older.  Faster than I ever have before.
4. Co-parenting doesn't have to be as hard as many people make it out to be. 
5. The sound of 7 year olds talking in baby voices is worse than nails on a chalkboard for me. 
6. Star Wars is still amazing and I am still capable of being a complete geek over it.
7. The fish market up the street doesn't taste as good when they jack their prices up.
8. I can miss coworkers like I miss family. 
9. Nobody is perfect.  Even the people you think are perfect are not.  It just makes it harder to handle when they show their imperfections.  But, it also humanizes them more. 
10. I need to learn how and when to say No.

So, there you go.  I am optimistic that 2017 will be better for everyone.  That is, unless Trump kills us all. 

Peace be with you!

Helping with Math homework

So...I'm helping Desmond out with his math homework. The question is simple:

3 + 4 = ?

Desmond looks at the question and then asks me, "Dad...what's 10 minus 3?

I say, "Seven." 

Desmond writes 7 as the answer to 3 + 4. 

Correct answer right? 

But, wait...I say, "I don't get what you just did.  That's the right answer, but I don't understand why you asked me what 10 minus 3 is."

"BECAUSE!" Desmond says, hating to have to explain something to a simpleton like myself.

"Because why?" I ask.  "How did you know that 3 + 4 = 7 by asking what 10 minus 3 is?"

"Easy!" he replies. "Because 4 plus 6 is 10.  So, all I needed to do was take 3 away which makes 7.  That's how I got it."

Huh?  What the heck just happened?  Everything he just said is correct.  But...what does 10-3 have to do with 4+3? 

My head hurts.

The Butterfly Project!

So, for Easter, we got Desmond a Butterfly garden from a company called InsectLore.  Basically, you buy a pretty net.  Then, you use a coupon that comes with the net to order a container of live caterpillars! 

The idea is that you get to watch caterpillars grow, cocoon themselves and then hatch as painted lady butterflies before setting them free!  Well, earlier this week, we set our painted ladies free!  So, here are some pictures. :-)

I am a horrible science parent.  I forgot to get pictures right when they arrived.  Here is a picture of them a couple days before they moved into cocoon (or chrysalis) phase. 

 

 

The sign that they are about to huddle in is when they start hanging from the top in a J shape!

 

The Cocoons!

 

I took a quick trip to Chicago and I am glad they waited for me to get back before hatching!  Uh...I mean, I am glad they waited for Des to come back from his mom's house before hatching.  This is his project of course!

 

 

 

 

Kim and I were able to watch the last one emerge as it was happening!  It was pretty rad!  We got it on video to show Desmond later.   He was back at Mom's. 

 

Finally, it was time to release them.

Desmond seemed sad in every single picture I took.  He admitted that he was.  He says he hopes they lay eggs that aren't eaten by any butterfly egg eating birds. 

 

So, there you have it!  Our butterfly project!  I highly recommend it if you have kids.  It's inexpensive and very educational!  We all found it pretty fascinating!  Life is beautiful!!!