Conversation Pieces - Penises

Ok...this post is a little PG-13.  So, if you are offended by the word PENIS...stop reading now.


The scene: Early Evening.  I am in the shower.  The bathroom door is a sliding barn door.  It does not lock.  Owen barges in...a common occurrence.

Owen: "Daddy has penis!

Me:  "Yup...I do.  Now, get out."

Owen:  "I have penis, too!"

Me: "Yup...we both have penises.  We are both boys.  Now, leave."

Owen:  "I have little penis."

Me:  "...."

Owen: "Daddy has *in a deep voice* BIG PENIS!"

Me: "Yup.  Agreed.  Go tell your mom."

via GIPHY

Conversation Pieces...Desmond's favorite camp of all time

Dropping Big Little dude off at Blue Angels camp, today.  Really rad camp at the Boeing Museum of Flight during SeaFair.  The Blue Angels perform every year at SeaFair.  They practice on Thursday and Friday, flying out of Boeing Field.  I am a bit jealous of my kid, this week.

Anyway, as I was dropping him off this morning, he was a chatterbox, telling about all the cool stuff they are doing.

Des: "We got to go under the Blackbird.  We got to go in the old control tower where they still have a working computer that tracks all the planes.  We got to go in the cockpit of REAL planes and learn how the planes fly.  *etc, etc, etc...on and on and on*"

Me: "Wow!  That all sounds really awesome!  I'm glad you've had so much fun!  Would you say this has been your favorite camp?"

Des: *thinking about it*  "I would definitely say it's been ONE of my favorite camps." 

Me: "Oh, really...what would you say has been your favorite camp of all time?"

Des:  "Grandma camp"

And there you have it folks.  No need to spend $400 on fancy camps that have rad fighter jets and Top Gun pilots.  Just need a $99 Alaska Airlines ticket to Arizona. 

Conversation Pieces - Whats better? Maui or Target?

Ok, I am sharing this story second hand.  Hopefully, I am able to properly convey it as it happened.

The scene is the car ride home from work.  The characters: Desmond and Kim.

Desmond: "I am jealous of Max R. and Edie?

Kim:  "Why?"

Desmond: "They get to go on vacation for spring break!"

Kim: "Oh yeah...where are they going?"

Desmond: "Max R. gets to go to Disneyland and Edie is going to Maui."

Kim: "Maui?!  Maui is one of my favorite places." 

Desmond: "I know.  Mine too."

Kim: "Well, Grandma is visiting for spring break this year.  And she'll probably take you to Target."

Desmond: *pause* "I honestly don't know which one is better!"

Kim:  "Really?  I know which one is better."

Desmond: "Yeah...I know.  Maui is better.  They have a Target in Maui." 

Conversation Pieces with my DAD! Why you don't want your college team to win

I'm a Zag!  Through and Through!  I love my Bulldogs!  The time I spent at Gonzaga coincided with the Cinderella years of the basketball program.  That first year when we went in and made it to our first Elite Eight after knocking off #2 Florida State!

Gonzaga has made the tournament every single year since then!  However, we still have yet to make it to that coveted Final Four spot.  People call it the monkey on Mark Few's back.  Whatever...I wouldn't trade Few for anyone.  It will happen.  Hopefully tomorrow!  We are really excited for when the day comes.

But, every year the excitement reminds me of a conversation I had with my dad many years back.  I don't recall exactly when.

My dad went to Michigan State University.  MSU has made their share of Final Fours and have even brought home 2 National Championships.

Once again, I was excited for my Zags!  As I am every year (even when I know deep down it won't happen) I knew for certain that Gonzaga was going ALL THE WAY!

To which my dad tells me, "You don't want them to win."

Me:  "Why not?"

Dad: "Because as soon as you do, you get phone calls saying, 'Did you see how good the team did in the tournament...would you consider donating?'"

Conversation Pieces - Library Boogers

Desmond: "Dad... The library should thank me because I cleaned all the boogers out of that book."

Conversation Pieces - To Be (sick) or Not to Be (sick)

The scene: Living room of the Pank.  Desmond has been sick for about 5 days.  We skipped out on Disneyland and spent our vacation in a hotel room. It was a 3 day weekend, but Des was holding onto a nasty cough and a low grade fever on Monday, so we had decided to keep him home Tuesday. 

Monday night: 

Me: "Ok, time to get ready for bed.  I want you in bed early tonight.  You need rest. 

Desmond:  "I don't think I'm sick anymore.  I feel fine!  I don't need to go to bed early."

Me: "You must be really excited to go back to school, then."

Des: "Huh?"

Me: "If you're not sick, you can go back to school tomorrow."

Des: *cough, cough*  "I'm still sick. 

Conversation Pieces: Do you like the Bible?

Desmond: "Dad...do you like the Bible?"

Me: "Yeah."

Des: "Do you like Legos?"

Me: "Yeah."

Des: "Good...then can we go to the book store and will you buy me this book called "The Lego Bible?'"

Conversation Pieces - First Communion

This evening, we were discussing how we are starting First Communion prep next year.

Des: "I want to try wine to see what it tastes like before First Communion."

Me: "It doesn't taste that great."

Des: "Then why are YOU always drinking it?"

Conversation Pieces - Constitootion.

This happened a while ago, but it popped up on my Facebook memory feed, recently.  Too good not to post.

Desi: "I'm glad that I live in America because I can say 'stupid' and not get arrested!" (apparently, he learned this from a Capitan America book.)

Me, seeing a great opportunity for a civics lesson: "That's right! It's called 'Freedom of Speech' and it's one of many right we have written out in a big document called the Constitution!"

Desi, laughing: "Part of Constitution sounds like toot!"

Conversation Pieces - Marriage

We were eating lunch at taco time.  I was enjoying a delicious taco.

Me: "I love this taco.:"

Desmond: *looks at me funny*  "You love it?"

Me: "Yeah...I love it so much, I am going to marry it."

Desmond:  "Really dad?  You're going to get married 3 times?"

Conversation Pieces - Lego Movie vs Stepmom

Recently took Desmond to a Sunday afternoon Mariners game.  Kim was out of town for the weekend.  After the game, the Mariners were playing the Lego movie on the big screen.  Which leads to this conversation:

Des: "Can we stay and watch the Lego Movie?"

Me: "We probably shouldn't. Kim gets home today. We haven't seen her all weekend."

Des: "Well, we haven't seen the Lego Movie all weekend, either."

Conversation Pieces - Desmond is Just So Awesome

This is not one of Desmond's conversation pieces.  This comes from one of his friends.

In Desmond's class, he has a couple buddies that he causes trouble plays with.  Braden (his long time buddy from PEPS), and Wyatt, a new friend that he met this year.  Des, Braden and Wyatt are always together, often needing to be separated by Ms. Zbaraki, the teacher.  Ms. Zbaraki has nicknamed the trio Huey, Dewey and Louie.  

The other night, at the school auction, I was chatting with Wyatt's mom.  We all recently had Parent/Teacher conferences.  Apparently, in Wyatt's, just like in Desmond's, Ms. Z brought up Huey, Dewey and Louie.   

Wyatt's Mom informed me that she was chatting with Wyatt about the trouble they often get into.  Maybe Wyatt should learn to make better choices and not always do what the other boys are doing. 

Wyatt's response: "But, Mom...Desmond is just so awesome!"

That is all. 

Conversation Pieces - Jesus...aka Cockadoodle Head

Was discussing Advent with Desmond. Telling him the story of when the angel came to Mary and Joseph.

In the story, I say, "And, the angel told them that they would name the baby Jesus."

Des: "I don't think the angel told them to name him Jesus."

Me: "You don't?"

Des: "No. I think they chose to name him Jesus. They could have named him Cockadoodle Head. Then, we would be praying to Cockadoodle Head."

Thank you, Lord, for my son. I pray this in the name of my savior, Cockadoodle Head. Amen.

Conversation Pieces - Eye Doctors and Tattoos

I have 2 today.

First, Took Desmond to his first eye doctor appt.  

Optometrist lady asks, "Do things ever look blurry when you look at them?"

Des looks at her straight faced and says, "Only when I do this..." before crossing his eyes.


The next one, Des flashes me his Despicable Me tattoo and says, "I'm tougher than you! I have a tattoo!"

I flash him my REAL tattoo and say, "Whatever! I have a real tattoo! That's like getting a million shots. You just put yours on with some water."

Des thinks for a second. Then says, "Well, the water was FREEZING COLD!"

Conversation Pieces - I don't like chicken!

Des: "I don't like chicken!"

Me: "Yeah you do!"

Des: "No, I actually don't."

Me: "Since when?"

Des: "Since the day I stopped liking chicken."

Conversation Pieces - Don't Boss Grandma Around!

Grandma arrives on Saturday.

Me to Desi, preparing him for the new rules I plan to enforce: "I have told Grandma that she is not allowed to spoil you. You need to earn your presents."

Des: "Dad...why are you ordering Grandma around. She gets to order you around. She's your mom!"

Me: "...."

Conversation pieces

Desi: "Daddy...I think Grandma lets me have lots of stuff and spoils me because she's rich.

Me: "Yup..that's exactly why."

Conversation pieces

While wrapping up bath, last night:

Desi: "Daddy...I have to get out. I'm all pruney. I think I am turning into something?"

Me: "Oh no...are you turning into some kind of monster?"

Desi: "I think so."

Me: "Do I have to worry that you are going to eat me tonight?"

Desi: "No...you'll be ok. I already had dinner."


Oh...and here's a pic of...well, I'm not really sure what to call it.  Some combination of the Dynamic Duo and the thug life, I guess.

Elementary, my dear daddy.

This morning, I am trying my hardest to style my hair in a way that hides the fact that I am losing it all faster every day.  Desi is downstairs, supposedly, getting his shoes on.  All of a sudden I hear, "DADDY!"

"WHAT?" I yell back.  We're on two separate floors, you see.  It would take too much time to actually go to each other.

"SOMEONE ATE MY CANDY WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!"

It seems that Desi had located an empty Tootsie Roll wrapper on the table right next to my Xbox controller which was sitting very near to the spot on the couch where I often relax to read, watch TV or...I don't know...play Xbox and veg out. 

I started to get nervous.  He was onto me.  He runs upstairs and shows me the wrapper.

"Look!  Someone ate it!" he says.  "Someone ate it without asking me."

"Uhhhh..." I stammer as my eyes dart back and forth.  "Who do you think it was?"

"I think it was Satchmo,"  He responds.  This was unexpected.

"Why do you think it was Satchmo?"  I ask? 

"Well...she was standing on the table and she ran away as soon as she saw me looking at her." 

Hmmm...sounds like a solid deduction to me.  Still, I couldn't let Satchmo take the blame for something she didn't do.

"Buddy...it wasn't Satchmo who ate your candy."  I told him.

"It was Quincy." 

Conversation pieces

Reading Charlotte's Web with Desi. Just read the chapter where Wilber learns the farmer plans to kill him when he's bigger.

Desi: "Why are they going to kill him?"

Me: "Because they will eat him."

Desi: "Why would they eat him?"

Me: "Because some people eat pigs."

Desi: "Yuck! I don't want to eat pigs."

Me: "Did you know bacon is made from pigs."

Desi: "Oh." *smiling* "I love bacon."

That's my boy.