Tuesday, July 11, 2017

No more babies for me!!!

You heard that correctly.  I am done having babies!  Forever.  No more little Pankows running around after this one.

I manned up and went to visit the one and only Dr. Snip!

No, that's not his real name.  But, it is the name of the clinic.  And, what a brilliant name it is.

Why did I decide to do this, you may ask?

Well...simple.  I don't want any more babies.  Thankfully, neither does Kim.  Now, there are multiple ways to make sure you don't have more babies.  There's birth control until the end of time.  Or until my wife's body enacts it's natural form of birth control.  Then there's the tubal something or other where the doc goes in and ties all Kim's plumbing up.  Then there's the snippy snip

Birth control means continues pill popping or other method which just isn't that fun.  Tube typing is another invasive procedure...although, she's already got the scar from her C-section.  Maybe they could just go in that way.  Oh well...too late now.

The obvious choice was a vasectomy.

I have a few friends who have done this.  I also have friends who absolutely refuse!

Well...now I am in the club.  It's been about a week and a half.  Here's how it went down.


I scheduled the procedure on the Friday before Independence Day.  Google gave us both Monday the 3rd and Tuesday the 4th off.  I figured, get snipped on Friday and have 4 days to recover.  Brilliant!  Oh, plus...Desmond was visiting Grandma and Grandpa in Arizona and Kim was taking Owen to the other Grandma and Grandpa in Richland.  This means I have the whole house to myself!  I can squat on the couch and play video games while icing my nuts all weekend!

One small catch...I'm not allowed to drive myself home.

Uber it is!!!

You probably know this about me given some of my posts.  I am not shy about talking about stuff like this.  I mean, it's life, right?  It's only embarrassing if you let yourself be embarrassed.  Well...I am the same way in real life.  So, when the Uber driver asked me if I had any plans for the weekend, I said, "Why, yes...I do."

When he learned what I was doing, he asked me about 1000 questions.  Dude was a young guy.  Unmarried but with a girlfriend.  But, he was sure curious!

Anyway, arrive at the office and the get me right in.  A woman comes in and gives me a lot more info (with pictures) than I actually wanted.  Like, I didn't realize that they actually bring the "vaz" out of your nutsack.  I would have been fine without knowing that part.

Lady leaves, Dr. comes in.  Super nice dude.  Completely non awkward.  But, I guess you figure out perfect bed side manner in situations like this when all you do all day, every day is look at man junk.
No gown required.  I crawl up and basically drop my drawers a bit.  And he goes to work.

Now, Dr. Snip advertises a "No Needle, No Scalpel" procedure.  The anesthetic is applied through a weird pen thing.  He zapped me twice.  It didn't hurt at all.  He described it as feeling like your being snapped by a rubber band.  I have felt worse rubber bands.  The only problem is...2 zaps didn't cut it.

I mean, that didn't surprise me given the amount of space that needed to be numbed, if you know what I'm saying.

He started tugging around and I was like, "Agh, DUDE!"  You ever try to remove an avocado pit with a spoon?  That's what it felt like.  On my avocado pit.

So, he zapped me again.  After that...no problems.

He was pretty chatty during the whole thing.  My body reacted a bit (sweating, high heart rate) but it passed.  At one point the Dr. says to me, "Do you want to see your vaz?"

I answered, "Nope."

"Ok," he says.  He slaps a gauze on me (no tape, no stickiness...just loose gauze) and sends me on my way.

The Uber driver on the way home thought this was the funnies thing he had ever heard.  He seriously laughed at me the whole drive.

Anyway, I got home, grabbed an ice pack and proceeded to lay low.  Kim and Owen decided to come home early, so my weekend of gaming was foiled a bit.  But, that's ok.  I found myself missing them a lot.  Mostly because I didn't have anyone to complain to about how much by balls hurt.

The pain was mild.  It felt like I had been punched in the stomach by Hulk Hogan.  I am not a doctor, but I haven't been able to figure out why my stomach hurt.  I'm sure I could look it up, but I am too lazy.

So, that's my story!  No more babies for me!  Kim can still have babies, but I can't.  Guess I can really let loose and go crazy, now.

Oh...I forgot.  Before I left the office, the Dr. says to me, "You know how when little kids are good at the doctor the get a lollypop?  Well, here you go."  And he hands me this.

Sad that I can never be a repeat customer.

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